General update with a generic title.

Well. I was extremely frustrated the last time I wrote, obviously.

People keep asking me if I lost weight. So... the scale doesn't matter. I am obviously losing fat. So whatever.

Here is the bad news. I came up to visit my family today, and we found out that one of the dogs had leukemia. And so, my mom and I had to take her back over to the vet to have her put to sleep. Great way to start the visit. :(

But there is good news out there. For one, I have been thinking of joining one of the gyms nearby. My roommate suddenly decided to switch gyms because of day care issues at the old gym, and the result is that I got to join on their plan for way less than I normally would have. I am totally excited.

Another cool thing is that I am going to Iowa and Missouri next month. My friend Mara is graduating, and that gave me a great excuse to go see her and her family, as well as my friend Chris, who lives nearby in Missouri. I am also going to a Kansas City Royals game while I am there.

Basically, today is a really crappy day, but things are looking up.

...

I tried to update yesterday. It didn't work.

Today, I played softball. We lost, I hurt my leg.

The Sharks lost game 6. The best team in hockey, eliminated in the first round.

Weigh in: I gained two pounds.

I'll update again eventually.

Back on the wagon

Oh my, I am hungry.

I had not walked in a few days. Monday was Softball. Tuesday was hockey. Wednesday was special.

I spent most of Wednesday afternoon and evening installing my new ceiling fan. It was fairly amazing. It was very difficult. I had to stand on my bed for all of the actual installation, which was... painful. My bed is a Tempurpedic bed, which means that it sucks to stand on if you are trying to install a ceiling fan. My ankles and feet hurt pretty bad afterward.

The amazing result is that my room is now several degrees cooler, which is awesome. Summer gets hot. Heck, this week got hot.

Anyhow, I didn't walk yesterday (Wednesday), because putting up the ceiling fan kicked my ass.

So today, I had to convince myself to get back out there and get it done. I was committed to doing 2 miles today, and I did. And in the end, it felt so good. It was a 40 minute walk, which is fantastic.

In case you all did not know where I am going with this walking thing, I can not run right now. It is too hard on my knees and ankles. I can run when I am playing softball, simply because it is very short distances, and I have that whole trying to score runs thing to keep me distracted from the pain. Eventually, I do hope to be running. In fact, I want to complete a 5k at some point.

My goals should be going up fairly soon. And you shall all see what they are.

I hope I am not completely copying FLG's blog, but he has done such a good job with the layout and everything... Haha. I guess it doesn't matter in the end, because his design is so superior.

One last note: I stepped on the scale for a check today, and I am back down far enough that I did not throw the scale through the window.

Softball and weigh in.

I am having a terrible day. I don't want to tell you about softball, and I certainly don't want to give you my numbers.

Softball was terrible. It was too hot, I didn't have fun, and we got our butts kicked. (Not all related.)

I was 1-2.

Yeah, I got two at bats.

---

Beginning Weight: 311.0 lbs. (141.1 kgs)
Last Week: 304.8 lbs (138.3 kgs)
This Week: 311.0 lbs. (141.1 kgs)
Weight Lost This Week: -6.2 lbs (-2.8 kgs)
Total Weight Lost: 0 lbs (0 kgs)

Yeah. I am unhappy. I am confused, I am frustrated, and I am extremely upset with myself.

Good night.

Edit: I lied. I'm not done.

HOW THE EFFING CRAP DID I GAIN BACK ALL SIX EFFING POUNDS!?

I am so angry with myself right now, and I am not even entirely sure why. I know that I had a couple of bad days when I was depressed, but I got right back on the wagon. And I gained six freaking pounds? I even walked last night AFTER the freaking Sharks game.

Today was already a bad day, and I was not looking forward to the weigh in, but some on, six pounds?? Back to the beginning?

Man. I feel a bit better to have that rant out. Bed now, I guess.

Learning to be me

They say that every cloud has a silver lining.

First of all, that's bull crap. I have seen a ton of clouds that didn't.

Secondly, what is so bad about clouds in the first place? They give us shade, and without clouds, we would not have the rain that feeds the land! Seems pretty good to me.

Just kidding about all of that up there.

Anyhow, I have had a really rough weekend (my weekend runs Thursday through Saturday), and I just wanted to talk about the "silver lining" that I am finding in my hard times right now.

First of all, it should not be very surprising to any of you when I say that I am dealing with some depression right now. It is not the first time. I can definitely see how it affects the way I post on my blog, because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot more when I write than I do in every day life.

The good that is coming out of this is that I am really learning a lot about myself right now. I'm figuring out that my friends are not going to think I'm a weak fool if I need someone to talk to. I have learned some ways to deal with the fact that I medicate my depression with food. (General chicken and honey walnut prawns with the best spring rolls I have ever had tonight.) I have learned that making myself leave my stupid bedroom and walk a couple of miles is a positive thing when I feel low.

Oh, and I learned that depriving myself of one huge joy I have had lately (losing weight) is a VERY bad idea when I am depressed. (I checked the scale today. Ouch.) This is what pushed me out the door and on that walk.

Back to work in the morning. Work starts in 5 hours! I hope you have a wonderful week.

PS: Tim Lincecum is totally back. 8 Innings, 5 hits, 13 strike outs, 0 walks. I'm sure he'll be coming up more often. ;)

Uncreative title.

Seriously.

I never believed that I could really do this. I have tried different things before, and I have always felt like fad diets were fads for a reason.

I have watched very few overweight people in my life lose any weight. I only lost weight by chance, when I was at college and playing sports all the time. Ultimate frisbee and soccer, each once a week. Basketball thrice weekly. Volleyball constantly. Tons of walking around campus.

So, when I got really big, deep down inside, I did not think that I could really do a whole lot to change.

I guess everybody has to find inspiration, right?

So, there's this dude. I've never had a face to face conversation with him. We've never spoken on the phone. We came to know each other through interaction on a message board that we were both members of.

I found this guy to be one of the funniest people around. He always seems like a great guy, just like the kind of guy you would want to hang out with. The kind of guy that you could just have a great time hanging out with, but could also be a real friend, the kind that has your back no matter what.

Well, he was a pretty big dude. Turns out, he was quite a bit bigger than I had ever realized. There is a lot that you end up not knowing about a dude who lives on an entirely different continent.

Anyhow, this guy decided that he was going to do something about it. And he started a blog. It took him a while to really get going. He weighed as much as 505 pounds. And you know what he has been doing since then? He has been kicking ass and taking names.

This dude, who I am totally proud to call my friend, goes by the name of The Fat Lazy Guy. He is down to 341 pounds at last count, and that number goes down weekly.

I am going to link his amazing blog again, just in case you missed it. Because reading that blog, in conjunction with just knowing this guy in general, is a huge part of the reason that I am here right now, typing this post.

I am not half the blogger he is. Beyond that, he is an amazing, caring, gifted and brilliant person who has changed my life forever.

Mate, I hope you know how important you are to me. You are one skux dude. Cheers for everything you did not even know you were doing for me, bruddamens. (And cheers for teaching me all of that awesome Kiwi lingo!) I will be visiting you in New Zealand. I do not know when, but it will happen.

I feel like writing.

And not so much about walking and eating. Which I did not do, and did a lot of today, respectively. More about... life.

I am at a very odd place in my life. Since high school, or maybe even before, the two things I have wanted to be in life were a husband and a dad. I became a husband about two and a half years ago, and that ended a couple of months ago. And I am not a dad. And I stopped wanting to be one.

I love kids. I love to play around with them, show them how to do stuff, and generally be around them. I have four nephews and two nieces, and they never stop amazing me. But somehow, lost in the screwed up marriage that altered my life so drastically, I found out that I did not want to have any kids.

It is amazing how quickly things can change, then change again.

I find myself more and more wanting to have my own family. Not just a wife, but a complete family, with kids and all that goes along with it.

I am not dating. I do not even have any crushes. I am still kind of a mess, and a bit torn up over my marriage ending, even as I know that there is no chance that it will be reconciled. I am still legally married, though I hope to deal with that matter soon. There are no prospect on the horizon, and if there were, I would not likely chase any of them.

And yet, these are my desires in life. I simply do not understand it.

Perhaps some day I am meant to adopt a child who has no other family. Maybe I am going to spend the rest of my life without the family I have craved. Who knows.

---

I feel like I want to pour my heart out right now, and I can not. I want to just dump everything out, right here on this blog, but it would be totally inappropriate of me to do so. I do not know what I am going to do with this. It is really kicking my butt right now.

---

The Sharks lost last night, but I had an amazing time. I always do. And in the end, it does not matter what happens in a hockey game. Being with friends and family, loving and being loved, being the best person you can be... these are the things that matter in life. Not the experience of seeing the Sharks win a hockey game, but the experience of spending time with a good friend, and laughing, joking, venting... These are the great things in life.

---

I will probably be back to walking and food posts tomorrow. Well, later today. There are a couple of potentially entertaining posts that I have lined up to share with you. I hope you do not mind that I kind of got lost in a different world tonight. In all honesty, I did not scratch the surface of what I wanted to say. Have a wonderful day, friends.

Am I boring you?

Because I am kind of boring myself. Now accepting any questions, to be answered in a future blog post.

Two miles today. It is so nice to be home. Flat land is rad, my friends.

And for the first time in a while, no pain in the right leg. Just a bit in the calves, which is because I'm using the muscles. The shoes kick butt.

There was a ton of wind on the walk today, and that made things difficult. The headwind for the first half mile made for a lot of extra work, and it was a rather difficult walk, second only to the hell that was walking in Loyalton.

I feel really good, but my legs do not. I need a good night of sleep, and that is exactly what I am about to get. I hope. Trouble sleeping lately.

I miss a lot of people. People who were good for me. Why do so many friends live so far away?

Monday Softball, Weekly Weigh-In

Double the fun, double the trouble.

We start with softball. I did not walk before the game, because I had errands to run. It turns out, I had plenty of activity to make up for it. The game went just over an hour, and it was rare that I had a chance to catch my breath. We had a rough start, down 9-0 after two inning, but we came storming back. A grand slam in the 3rd made it a 6-9 game, and then we turned on the after burners. Our final was 19-12.

My line: 3-4 (YAY FIRST HIT!!) with 1 Strike out (Looking. Lame.) 1 Double. I scored thrice, and was running all game long. What a fun game!

---

And now, what some of you may have been anticipating. Weekly weigh-in! I'm not sure that I will keep Mondays, as this was my first real chance this week. We will see how next week goes. On to the numbers!!

Beginning Weight: 311.0 lbs. (141.1 kgs)
Last Week: 311.0 lbs (141.1 kgs)
This Week: 304.8 lbs (138.3 kgs)
Total Weight Lost: 6.2 lbs (2.8 kgs)

HOLY CRAP!!

I was ready to call this week a wash! On Wednesday, I sneaked a peek at the scale, and saw 308, but the week kind of went to the pits after that. No walking on three days, horrible eating on the same days, and I still end up with a 6 pound loss. I can not describe to you how excited I am at this point. Wow.

A side note to add. I bought Sharks (hockey) playoff tickets for the first playoff game. I was hoping to sell them at a profit, then buy tickets for the next round with that money. Well, it turns out that the tickets did not sell, and Nick and I are going to a playoff game on Thursday! I am totally pumped for it, and it just made this week that much better. Next time, I need to get two tickets together, which I was kind of messed over on with this round.

A wonderful day to you all!

Missing you...

I already lost my post once, I will try not to do that again.

I have not had my walk in two days now. Oh my! Three, actually. I have been too busy to fit it in, and to top it all off, my eating has gone right down the crapper.

Tomorrow, I should have an opportunity to go for a walk here some time before I head back down the mountain. I have already mapped out my route on Google maps, which is 2.3 miles.

And here is the crazy part. I miss it! I totally miss walking! And I am very much looking forward to getting back into my newest habit.

Amazing day

It is 2 AM, and I recently got home. I am very tired, and I have more driving and crazy fun ahead of me tomorrow. But today was awesome, so I want to blog!

First of all, I forgot to tell you something yesterday. I won a radio call in! This is the first time ever, and it was fantastic. I won four tickets for the Sacramento Rivercats, which is our AAA baseball team, an affiliate of the Oakland A's. When she picked up, I said, "Did I win, did I win, did I win win win??" And we had a fun time chatting and laughing. And so, I was on the radio.

On to today. I stayed up late last night and slept in today, because I am getting ready for an overnight birthday party, which is the crazy fun tomorrow. So, when I finally got up, I went to do a few errands, which included lunch at Subway (heck yes turkey breast!), and that was awesome. Eventually, I made my way to JC Penney, where I purchased a pair of shoes that shall change my life. Nike shoes, which I never thought I would buy. They are running shoes. They are the first shoes I tried on, and they are better than everything. Blammo. I got them for about $40. They are normally $65. Nike Air N'Sight III.

Then, on to San Jose for the Sharks game, with a quick stop in Oakland to procure the Jersey that I have been planning for. Hockey sweaters are the most amazing of all jerseys. Anyhow, the game sucked, but I also procured an awesome Sharks tote, because it was fan appreciation day, as well as a license plate frame, which I forgot to get the last time I went to a game. Run on sentence power!

So, the only walking I really got to do was around the arena, much inside the arena, and a very fast walk to my car, which lead to an amazingly quick escape from San Jose. And the shoes were amazing. No pain at any point, and I could totally tell they they have the kind of support that my feet and legs need. I am so extremely excited.

Oh, and I also ate a lot of incredible and bad for me food.

Oh, and I totally cheated and checked the scale. Oh my.

Frustrations mounting

The rain was early in the day today, and the weather was perfect for walking. I had just enough time before the Giants game to bust out a couple of miles.

And by the end of my first half mile, my lower right leg was killing me. It was bad enough that I had to take a 5 minute pause in the middle of the walk, as well as several short pauses. It did not feel like something I could not overcome this time.

I was wearing my old New Balance shoes this time, as opposed to my new Adios that I had been wearing. I think the shoes might have something to do with it. I am going to pick up some cross trainers or walking shoes tomorrow at a JC Penney sale. If nothing else, at least it will leave me with some decent shoes for walking/other exercise.

I tried on the Giants jersey that I bought half price last year. It was snug around my belly, but not tight like it used to be. Exciting.

Battery dying. Have a good day!

Rain, rain, go away...

Sorry for the daily updates. I am just kind of excited about this right now.

I was getting ready for my walk today, and Jenn asked if I was really going to walk in the rain. The rain had been kind of sputtering off an on all day, and I had not noticed that torrential downpour that had started. So... no walk for me today. Sadly. I was still going to go, but I could not find my rain jacket.

Opening day! Giants win! Sharks win too!

Going to see the Sharks on Thursday, and I am SUPER excited! Then, a weekend in the mountains for my nephew's 13th birthday.

Ugh.

Today was not as good as yesterday.

I left for my walk half an hour ago. Within the first couple of blocks, I had to stop at least thrice to fix a problem with the liner in my shoe. Bleh.

But that was not the bad part. Once I really got going, I started having pain in my right leg. Not good pain. So, I pushed through and completed a very small loop, maybe half a mile at the most. This is not the kind of pain that I want to, or really am able to push through. I do not want to make it worse.

So, tomorrow we try again. And for today? Some Wii boxing will make me feel better, and probably get me sweating as well.

OH my GOODNESSSSSSS. And more!

Today got crazy.

I got home from work, and half an hour later, found out that everybody except me was eating dinner elsewhere. Would have been nice to know ahead of time.

So, I was kind of stuck at home watching the hockey game, which I had been looking forward to all day, without food. Great.

So... I watched the game, which was a Sharks win (whoo hoo!) while my annoyance was building, all the while thinking of how much I loathed the fact that I would be walking today.

So what happens next? I'm glad you asked. I walked by freaking butt off. Two miles, high speed. Map the Third. This was not my intention when I set out. I was going with the second map, but it was just working for me, so I just kept going instead of making that right turn. And I feel SO good about doing it. It was amazing. I just listened to music, sang and talked to God.

They got back just in time to see me get in my car and leave to do the errands on my list for tonight, which suddenly including procuring and devouring some food. A delicious turkey breast sub from Subway. And for the first time in my life, I knew that I could do this. And I know that I can do this. And it is going to be hard and stressful and AMAZING.

Plus!! My errands included buying a scale! MY FIRST WEIGH IN!

And the scale says.... I'm fat.

Beginning Weight: 311.0 lbs. (141.1 kgs)

And there it is. Over three hundred pounds. Just eight years ago, I was 115 pounds less. Good thing I am already working on it.

Now, I am watching the ER Series Finale. This used to be my favorite show, and I am sure I'll be emotional before the end. So I must go. <3

I am a weak man.

I hate exercise. I love playing sports. But I really hate just going out and working my body toward a goal.

Walking yesterday had a purpose, beyond just getting my heart rate up and burning some fat. The choice was to walk later in the day instead of getting up way earlier than I wanted to be up. It was an easy choice, thanks to the gorgeous coastal spring weather.

Today was a bit different. I set out with fitness in mind, with my destination the same, geographically speaking, as my starting point. I was not trying to get somewhere. I was trying to make my body better.

I walked 1.3 miles tonight. The original plan was for 1 mile, but I missed a turn in my still unfamiliar neighborhood, and the total increased. And it hurt. And it was hard.

Yesterday, I was walking with a backpack that was somewhere around 25 pounds, maybe more. Today, I had nothing but my clothes and keys.

And today was so much harder. And it hurt so much more. *sigh* This is not going to be easy, is it?

Here's a few quick maps of my neighborhood. Click any image to see the larger image on Flickr.

First: My intended path, 1 Mile.



Second: My accidental path, 1.3 Miles.



Third: My soon to be path, 2.1 Miles.

The left coast...

I spent some time in Santa Cruz this weekend.

For those of you who don't know about Santa Cruz, that is a great thing.

Perhaps the best part was that I walked two and a half miles, mostly uphill. And it felt GOOD.

Happy weekend.